ARE EXCERPTS FROM THE STORY . . .
1993 was when healing really became intentional and
it was in the early 80s when I started therapy. So it
was about ten years between the beginning point and
between the opening, the real opening.
I was in a lot of pain after a break-up, and I did a
couple of healing seminars to help me get over the pain
of the separation. I experienced a big opening in a
seminar. And that was my first big awareness. At that
time a friend of mine was into The Course in Miracles.
He used to hold these little lunchtime meetings at work
and it was making me nuts because he would say things
like "there are no accidents" and my left
brain took off with that one. I would make up all kinds
of scenarios to challenge that.
Right after that I noticed that something odd happened
in the two trainings. In the first one I had one of
the most unusual connections with the people I would
never have liked or would have chosen to talk to at
a party. I would have avoided them. And instead, my
heart opened up to them. It was very powerful. And,
it kind of confused me. And, then, it may seem small
however, this small incident had a effect on my perception
of things: at the end, when we all came together as
a group and gathered in a circle, it was quick, informal,
and spontaneous. When I looked around, what I saw to
my left was the one person and to my right was the other
person and exactly next to them was the other person
....I realized that these were the same people to whom
my heart connected. I was blown away and I took a couple
steps back to see who else was there and what I saw
was this perfect arrangement with everybody with whom
I had a connection arranged by perfect distance. And
I took that in.
So, later on when I did the second seminar . . . I had
a curious mind, so I said to myself, let me take a part
of my brain and watch and see. See if theres anything
in what I get about that unusual awareness I had about
those people showing up at that gathering at the end.
And so it was for five days and about midway into it
I started to notice things. I had developed some kind
of an extra sense of things. What happened was that
I was actually sensing and feelings things out of ordinary
between myself and others and between other people.
I saw the energy actually run between them. Chords.
And I knew that this one person was thinking of that
other person and would get up and walk across the room
to sit with him for example. And I remember that. It
didnt last very long, but what happened to me
was that I was very much tuned-in for a while. After
that, I continued to have some of that awareness...in
the most commonplace parts of life, like getting on
and off an elevator or interactions with people.
So, that was my opening and it was in 1993 and this
is the year 2000. Ive built upon it, Ive
kept it open and I worked it. That was my beginning.
There were wrong turns in my relationship stuff -- I
was choosing the emotionally unavailable types and I
did that over and over again. But I think thats
what we do, you know until.... You know I feel finished
with that now. That was a repetitive problem and I really
got how it connected to my mother too. I saw that. I
saw that the ambivalence that I was attracting to me
was the same ambivalence that my mother sent me. Not
consciously, of course. I was trying to get it (an ambivalent
dynamic) to work. And it doesnt work. When my
mother was sick the second time all the old craziness
came back. I was a mess for a couple of weeks. At that
same time I was attracted to someone who was ambivalent
towards me. That went on for about a year and it was
painful and I felt like there was no way out...my love
life seemed like one unending date with the same dysfunctional
relationship, same person, different body.
I went through a phase where everywhere I went I attracted
an ambivalent attraction. You know, Id end one
dysfunctional connection and the next day happen upon
another one and I didnt even have a day off. And
I thought, what the hells going on here? And it
kind of pushed me, it pushed me to my limits. And one
day I had a flash of insight when my mother was giving
me a mixed up communication on the telephone, "Dont
come near me Im mad at you." And then in
the next breath she said, "Where have you been.
How come you dont come to see me?" And I
flashed and saw that, of course, this is the same ambivalent
persona I have been dating.
Im very clear now about trusting my inner voice.
I really got it. I was aware on some level that that
organization was nutty while I was participating, and
I took the good and threw away the rest. There was some
good there. And then once I got really clear about it,
I got healthier. Then I had no tolerance for it and
I was out of there. And the other two folks I mentioned,
I was really furious with them and I am not now. I see
their limitations and their confused good intention.
I can see them more, my perspective is bigger, I see
their woundedness and confusion and that is what helped
me let it go. With the help of time and distance and
a clear intention to heal it and let it go, I got past
it. And out of it I got a stronger sense of myself.
The word self-authority would sum up what I got out
in my body
What I started to learn after awhile was that I found
that a lot of it was in my body. Thats why I got
into the bodywork. The spiritual, the psychological
and the emotional are in the physical body. Thats
what I learned. I found it all in my body--I couldnt
separate it out. And thats what got me so intrigued.
A couple of times I can remember when I noticed a kind
of knot in my abdominal area, just like tension. Id
occasionally think, "What is that?" "Oh,
I wonder what that funny feeling is?" It wasnt
painful, just slightly uncomfortable, just a little
knot in my abdomen. And during a session with a bodyworker
I tapped into what was inside that knot and thats
when I cried the hardest I ever remember crying. I went
into some other state of consciousness. I was awake
and dreaming at the same time and I got some interesting
metaphorical images which began to give me information
which later would make sense and unravel a puzzle for
me. I released so much out of my body that the knot
was gone, my anger was gone, even low grade resentment
was gone. What happened was when I cried, that knot
that was in my stomach completely left. And I had a
very clear awareness that that emotion was in that knot
and that I had released all kinds of stuff that I did
not quite understand out of my body.
I had another couple of occasions happen where old hurts
were showing up in present time. It matched energy with
the initial hurt, not the story, bearing only an energetic
like resemblance to the initial incident. My left brain
would have never connected the dots. A number of times
present time experiences took me to old memories and
feelings that were stored in my body and when I made
the connection to it, I felt it and released it. So,
Ive had numbers of those experiences. My understanding
of my bodywork practice is a result.... not just an
idea or a theory.
of my energy
Im starting to learn about the center of my energy
and keeping it to myself. Im drawing my boundaries
and really putting them up. . . I mean I can sit here
and talk to you but Im also out in the world and
I have really started to have a sense of my boundaries
on an energetic level.
And before, the energy was leaking a lot. Now, I feel
like, its kind of new for me actually, but I find
that I really enjoy being alone. Im a little bit
more of a loner than I ever imagined myself to be and
I enjoy that. Ive gotten quieter. And Im
learning how to manage my energy better, and how in
the subtlest way I can become depleted. I am challenged
by the idea of being out in the world and keeping my
center. And not having folks find me rude.
need for healing
What needs healing is that people are afraid to just
own their feelings and say them and just be real, and
thats it. Thats all there is, you know.
Especially tenderness. Everybodys hungry for it
and closeness. You know, tenderness and closeness and
vulnerability is really it. And thats what everybodys
missing. And, I think there is an opening in the world
for this. I think things are changing and little by
little people are getting what is missing. Thats
why Reiki became so popular so quickly. Its approaching
a household word now. People are waking up to what they
Connection and tenderness, period. Community. Real community.
Not just a social club. But a sense of one another and
knowing that each of us is a piece in a link.