hemitra crecraft




AGE: 53

"One night
There’s a heartbeat at the door.
Outside, a woman in the fog,
With hair of twigs and a dress of weed,
Dripping green lake water.
She says, "I am you,
And I have traveled a long distance,
Come with me, there is something I must show you . . . "
She turns to go, her cloak falls open,
Suddenly, golden light . . . everywhere . . . golden light . . . "

From: 'Woman Who Lives Under the Lake'
Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Email: kings61@bigplanet.com





Didn’t Even Know
One day I was lying in bed and my housemate came in and said, "I’m taking you to the hospital." And I said, "What for? I’m not going." She just dragged me, put me in the car, and took me to the hospital.
My blood pressure was very high and I was very scared. What this was telling me was that I was in a lot of denial about my health, in general, and that I needed to address my hypertension, which I didn’t really know that I had. After I was examined I was told to go see a general practitioner to follow up on the medication that had been prescribed.
In the course of the examination she discovered a lump in my abdomen and said, "Honey, I think you’ve got a fibroid." I didn’t even know what a fibroid was.

Attempting to Heal

That was about 1996. After I had the first diagnosis, I naturally went right into a healing process. There was no getting around that. I had something growing in my gut. I had been told my body was producing about two or three times the amount of estrogen of most women. And estrogen feeds it.
What was thrilling for me was going deeply into the whole psychological layer of what was really underlying it. I know at some point I did look at Chris Northrop’s work and she had talked about women who have fibroids often being women who have issues around having children. They are women who perhaps have had abortions, have not had children, or given up children for adoption. That is often part of the psychological profile of women who have fibroid tumors. When I read that, I thought, "Yes, this is true for me."
I attempted healing it as many different alternative ways as I possibly could. I began working with psychic surgeons. I began doing a lot of visualization, meditation, working with a sound healer, energy healers, and what was happening was it just kept getting larger and larger and larger.
I finally discovered a surgeon. Very few surgeons are willing to do myomectomies, which is the technical term for the surgery for uterine fibroid, when they are that large. They usually just opt to do a hysterectomy.

A Feeling of Failure

But I had a terrible time accepting the fact that I needed surgery. I wanted to be able to do it without surgery. I wanted to have someone put their hands on me, or say the right prayer, or have the right moment of just being able to do enough deep psychological work--you know--work through my rage, or work through my fear, or whatever. Then I could just suddenly one day say, "It’s done."
For me, I felt that the surgery was an indication that I had failed.
I wanted to stick strictly to the alternatives. And I was such a great believer in the healing of the psychological that if you thoroughly healed the whole emotional piece then the physical will follow. But it had just gone too far.

Complementary Healing
I came to appreciate the role that conventional medicine plays in healing, and that there is a time and a place for all of it. And, being an educator of wellness, spiritual well being, and empowerment, I had a first-hand opportunity to see what happened when I combined both the conventional and the alternative. Each played a significant role in my process. Ultimately, I had to have the surgery. And, I also needed that inner experience of visiting that wild-eyed woman carrying the dead child. A surgeon couldn’t have taken me there, the inner work took me there. It was a wonderful marriage--truly the path of complementary healing. Very whole.

Meeting my Dragon
Before the surgery I was at a workshop on power animal work, which is working with the shadow. In one of the journeys that we did, I was working with anger and hatred. The animal that came up to help me learn how to work with that energy was a dragon. In the trance altered state of awareness, meeting this dragon was very intimidating, of course. The instruction was to literally go into the dragon. I had to call on all my courage to do that.
I was surprised that I found the dragon very, very helpful in terms of explaining to me how to channel anger. And he showed me his whole body, and how he was an open conduit where energy could just flow from one end to the other, in and out both ends, not getting lodged.

Into the Pain
Later on that weekend, I was alone in my home. It is a very rare occurrence that I am totally to myself for a few days. I had this intense pain in my teeth in the left lower quadrant. And I immediately flashed on the whole Freudian connection of how teeth and the vagina are very, very interconnected energetically. And I went, "Okay, there’s something here, connecting to my second chakra." I immediately knew that there was unfinished business in my womb.

Letting Go
Rather than drug myself, I went into the pain, completely. And I called on the dragon immediately. I said, "Dragon, help me move this energy," because the pain was incredible. I was able to do a lot of roaring and growling, which was great. And also, I was able to go inside of my body and discover a creature. A young, terrified, wild-eyed woman – myself at an earlier point in my life -- hiding behind a rock, dragging a dead baby.
I knew exactly what it was. And I said, "Oh, we need to talk." So, I spent time with this part of myself in a very nonjudgmental way, just in total love. I asked for her forgiveness for not being there for her, to hold her during her loss. I said, "It’s time to bury the child. It’s time to let go."

So that was a very poignant part. A very powerful time in my healing process of being able to actually experience and visit that part of myself and spend time with her. This happened right after I had done polarity work where I had met the dragon. I felt it was divine providence just opening up that window of opportunity for me. I love how life unfolds that way -- the exquisite tapestry of life when you’re in divine flow. It was just so perfect. I was able to spend all this time not worrying about being interrupted or having something to do, just being able to immerse myself in moving through this with complete grace, attention and love.
When I was finished with that, I really felt done. I thought, "We’re done here. I have healed this part of myself." This was in April of 1999. My surgery had been in 1997. The diagnosis had been in ‘96.

In the Flow
I think when the concept of healing first came to me I imagined that it meant you heal something and then you move on. That it is a process that has a conclusion. I think I was very goal directed –wanting to heal something and then its healed and moving on. As I’ve gotten older I realize that healing occurs in waves and all of our stuff is intimately connected, so where one left off another picks up. And there is no destination, there is only the journey. To let go and let God, if you will. To be in the moment. To not judge ourselves or others and just be receptive. To be able to open ourselves to the extraordinary abundance, the stream of well being that is flowing to us and through us at all times if only we were open to it and allowed it, and allowed ourselves to be a conduit for it.

Cooperative Healing
I think that sometimes there’s this notion that I, in and of myself, have no power, cannot generate healing. I had to come to terms with asking for healing outside of myself and drawing healing from within myself and having those forces work cooperatively, knowing that nothing can be valid unless I’m fully present and willing to be in the process. You don’t go to a healer and the healer heals you. You do your own healing. They just help energetically to set things up.

There was a shift of consciousness throughout my experiences around the fibroid --with all that diving in and coming up and diving in and coming up again. There were huge shifts of consciousness going on, between being in denial, seizing the moment, riding the wave, going with it, calling on divine help, flowing with the process, and empowering myself.

The Warrior Wants to Know
During the most difficult times, what I discovered inside myself that kept me moving through this process was my desire to get to the end. My desire to say, "I’m done, I’m healed, I’ve conquered it!" It’s the warrior energy that wants to know that you’ve won the battle. That you’ve handled it. That the healing has occurred. For me, I needed to come face to face with that part of me that was the most meaningful. She was so buried. Coming face to face with her and knowing that she wasn’t just a character. She was me. The weekend home alone with myself and the soul retrieval were really the highlights. One was on the diagnostic level and one was on the healing level.

Many Stages
Healing is a process that has many stages, beginning with denial, and a wake up call. At least for me that was true. I think that healing is about coming out of denial. It’s about becoming conscious, and then making a commitment to engage in a process that must be nurturing in order to be successful. Staying with it and riding it out. And coming back to it when you forget, and staying with it again.
The intent to heal is very important. Just being aware that healing is needed is not enough. One has to really have the intent, passionately. Otherwise, one would continue to sabotage and run away and compound the process.

Let It In
For someone going through an especially challenging part of their healing process I would say, "Are you letting it in? Are you letting in the universal stream of healing energy that is surrounding you fully at this moment with divine guidance and love – all that you need to take you through this experience and bring you that which you truly desire. Are you letting it in? Do you know that you have the right to ask for help? "Ask, and it shall be given."





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