ARE EXCERPTS FROM THE STORY . . .
I was probably about 34 when my healing began. I
had my two daughters. I left my husband. What pulled
me out of the marriage was he was physically abusive.
He hit me in front of the children. At that point I
just said, Thats it, were finished.
I really turned. Then I had to get a full time job,
so I worked for a lawyer in a big computer company .
. . and that was where I met my second husband, Robert.
We got married, and after awhile I started to feel unwell.
I started to feel sick . . . It wasnt about him,
I really loved him . . . But then, Robert died. He found
out on his fiftieth birthday that it was cancer and
he died within six months. So, that was quite a turning
When he died, I felt like I experienced his death on
two levels. One was how I understood more that we are
multi-dimensional. And one was just seeing him in another
space. It was that eye contact, you know, just soul
to soul. That was a tremendous loss because it was a
Into a Nightmare
When Robert died I was 42. Wed been married
for five and a half years . . . Then, my father dropped
dead. It all happened at once. Suddenly a lot of things
happened . . . It was a bit like going into a nightmare,
really . . .
I thought, When all this is gone, Ill
change, and Ill come into my own. It didnt
seem to happen. I was working, and finding myself getting
tired and feeling theres something missing. It
was quite frightening because if you admit there is
something missing, it might mean that you have to live
with that. I wouldnt let myself go there because
I didnt know what it was. Now, I can see what
it was. I realize that Ive just suppressed anything
that would come from me.
Then my healing accelerated when I moved about two
years ago. I gave up my practice as a psychotherapist
and a big project that I helped set up, a Hospice at
Ive always wanted to move to the country . . .
I knew I had to go, but I didnt know where . .
. I felt I had to follow something. It was something
that was quite faint, but I just had to follow it.
Then I got really ill. I had no energy. My heart
was jumping about and my digestion was terrible. I couldnt
do anything really . . . I didn't know what I was looking
for but when I saw this house I knew it was the place
So, I got here and I started having work done on the
house. But I got to a point where I could hardly speak
to people. I didnt know what was going on. I didnt
know how to relate to people. I felt such a mess.
. . . The anxiety kept growing because my mind couldnt
work it out and I was worried that I was getting obsessive
about myself. I realize I didnt know myself at
all. I have a tremendous ability of adapting and tuning
into another, which is good to a point . . . I had no
idea what was going on for me at all.
I went to see someone . . . [who] works with body
therapy and could see that I was traumatized. . . .
she said, Yes. You are suffering from shock trauma.
What came up was stuff I didnt know was there.
I released stuff I hadn't acknowledged. I knew about
my first husband. I knew about my mother, . . . . But,
I didnt know the stuff around my father, and thats
what came up. It was almost like everything was up for
a Lost Part
Something else started to click in. It was almost
a relief because I could understand then why I had an
abusive first husband and somehow it was almost like
a part of me I couldnt quite get to grips with.
Gradually, I just got more and more clear.
It feels like having to go right back to being very
young . . . Its like rescuing a part, really.
A part that has been so lost . . .
a Safe House
It was like having to go back into my own body and
find out what was going on. It was very unnerving. I
could see how people flip. I can understand stuff that
I was not connected to before. In my family situation
I had been aware of everyones trauma but there
was no point in connecting with my own because there
would be nowhere to go with it nobody to help
[My therapist] worked with the safety aspect, making
a safe place. She asked Whats safe for you?
I said, Well, the trees. Nature. Thats safe.
She asked, People? I said, No, people
arent safe. I hadnt realized I felt
Gradually I learned to build a house and make it safe.
I learned to go back and use a teddy bear, which I never
used . . . Learning how to take care of myself, because
I didnt have a clue. For me it was easy to tune
in to somebody else, which I have a great ability to
do . . . It has just been taking energy and its
not been coming back. I havent known how to let
it come back in. My bodys been so constricted
all my life. . .
My dreams spurred me on because they kept helping
me . . .What Im learning is, if I have an image
its better just to get the energy down. At first
I was quite childlike, just drawing the dreams. I wanted
to see whether there was a thread . . .
I realized how I was analyzing everything I ever do,
so basically, I was destroying it. So, I couldnt
move. I cant do that because of this
-- instead of just following an impulse, naturally .
. . It was a strong feeling to draw them and so I tried.
I thought, Im just drawing it, dont
think about it, because then it gets in the way.
Tiny, Tiny Voice
About eight years ago I felt that I would die at
about this age. What I realized is, if I hadnt
followed this I probably would have died, because there
wouldnt have been any point. Ive always
found I could get over something so I wouldnt
get down. I always thought that this was quite a good
ability, but I dont know if it was, because it
was just drowning the other noises that were going on.
It was like this tiny voice was saying, Help!
Go of Everything
. . . All I could do was just take the next day,
or the next step, and then see. When I stopped trying,
things started to happen. What comes back very strongly,
I think maybe from an ego perspective, is But
we do all have a purpose. I had to let go of that,
I got very encouraged by a friend of mine to stay in
the emptiness. She said, You just stay with it.
I thought, Well, hers seems so obvious. She is
a writer and in my mind she knows what she is doing.
Mine feels very different. Its not so tangible.
I thought, Well, what can it be? I like to dance,
so what does that mean? But, something is coming.
Something that I still dont know the full extent
of. Yet, it makes sense.
I started in movement and painting . . . I do have
quite an understanding of whats going on energetically
but Ive never known how to explain it. So, it
just stayed inside. This is a way of bringing it through.
. . . My legs are saying We want to be.
And as they wake up, Ive had some senses, life
senses in my legs. Im back to saying, I
realize I have my experiences the way I have them.
Its back to not comparing. If something comes
through, and that word compare comes in,
it destroys. Its a big learning . . .
The abuse stuff starts to go, as I let that come through
with dance. It was always my dream when I was young
to dance. But when I was young it was about performing.
Now its not about performing, its about
my expression. It helps me to get in touch with something
deeper. Its my spiritual connection and Im
following it and I cannot believe that I can do that
now. Its like a dream come true.
Id be thinking, Well, Im 53. How can
I be doing that now? And I can . . . Its
about movement. Its about bringing through the
stuff thats locked in. Its a way of bringing
it through, which is also making my connection to spirit
much more authentic for me . . .
to Know Myself
It feels like now Im getting the icing on
the cake because as I start to get better I realize
I had no idea that my whole way of relating in the world
was not how I could do it. I tried to use my mind and
my head, but I couldnt. It was almost like I was
dyslexic. What I realized is that I dont function
well that way anyway. I function very much with my senses
and movement. Ive just been taking a step at a
time . . . So it was like following something deeper
that was working with and talking through my dreams.
In those times of having to be really, really quiet
because I couldnt deal with anything else, as
I let go its almost like something else took over
. . .Its like a tiny, It's really all right,
no matter what happens, its all right. I
get scared. I keep getting scared. But, actually, in
the end, it IS all right.