ARE EXCERPTS FROM THE STORY . . .
I was on Prozac for about two or three months and then
I said, "I dont want to continue a chemical,
an artificial feel-good." So I started seeing a
psychotherapist, Judy, who was really instrumental in
bringing me onto a healing path. But, also, I saw my
life pivot back to all the things that I knew in my
heart that had been squeezed out and drummed out of
me by life in general, by people around me. By not paying
attention to these aspects and understandings of my
true self, and not really paying attention to what I
know to be true and right and good and what Im
here for, and whats important in life, I had created
within myself a real need for healing. So, I think the
convergence of all these factors were pivotal.
I think that one of the things that made me really nervous
about this interview was that I was thinking, but Im
not healed. Im not healed. Because I see all these
things in my life now that I consider "unhealed"
aspects. Its like the bear goes up to the top
of the mountain and what does he see? More mountains.
And I think that becoming healed you just get to the
top of a mountain, you look around and you think, Oh,
but look at all those other mountains I could climb.
And you have to choose them one at a time. So, now I
dont feel like Im healed completely, though
some aspects of my life have found healing, but rather
I think that healing is a long process and journey.To
really be true
for me it is an authenticity, to really be true to that
Self with a capital "S." Because to do anything
else really fractures me emotionally and psychologically.
I think those two things are tied. It creates a lot
of little subs (subpersonalities) running around arguing
with themselves, trying to talk louder than anybody
else. And theyre still there. I have many subs
and its interesting to watch them come out and
take the stage. But there is the recognition that the
larger Self is really at the heart of my existence.
And if I dont allow this authentic self, dont
really pay attention and allow this authenticity to
come through in my life, then my existence gets too
noisy, too hectic. I lose my sense of peace and joy.
I think what I had in 1993 was a sense of being led
back to a profound beauty within myself. And then after
that Ive come to realize, oh, thats the
authentic - thats really me. And that authentic
self, the beautiful self abides in each and all of us.
That pure beauty is wrought by God, by the divine. And
when we allow ourselves to move away from our authentic
selves, we get clouded and murky and busy and noisy
on the inside. Then we really lose ourselves, our joy,
and our beauty -- not because they go away, but because
we are ignoring our capacity to experience these aspects
I think a great deal of my healing took place during
Psychosynthesis (see links). That had to do with finding
a community of people, of dealing with psychological
and emotional issues, and spiritual issues all in the
same breath. There wasnt any separation. And I
had felt that there wasnt, in fact, a separation.
But again, I thought that perhaps Im the only
one that feels this way, that for someone to be psychologically
whole and healthy, they need some sort of spiritual
grounding. And it doesnt necessarily have to be
religious, but some sort of spiritual grounding. So,
those three years were very significant to me. A lot
of healing took place during that time.
And also during that time I started seeing a body therapist,
Ellen. Because of something our teacher, Tom said at
the very beginning of Psychosynthesis: "Think about
your body, your spirit, and your mind, and which do
you need to have more association with. Which do you
need to get in touch with more? And find some way you
can get it." My mind--I read, I write, in fact,
sometimes I probably exercise my intellect too much.
My spirit Ive always paid attention to. Ive
always prayed or meditated so that meditation became
quite easy for me to do. When someone sort of showed
me what meditation was, I thought, "Oh, okay, I
than my body
But paying attention to my body. . . I always felt like
my body was something that was a hindrance. I thought,
"Oh, if I just didnt have this sort of body,"
or "Oh, if I just didnt look like this, or
feel like this," or "If this didnt hurt,"
or "If I were only an inch or two taller or shorter."
Whatever, it was always my body that sort of got in
my way. And, it was significant for me to get to the
point to say, in fact, the sort of statement that Tom
taught us in the beginning, "I have a mind, but
I am not my mind. I have a spirit, but Im not,
or I have a whatever." And getting to "I have
a body, but I am not my body." I had to change
that and say, "I have a body and I am more than
One of the beliefs that is slowly being restructured
for me, even right now, is that life is hard. I was
very quick to latch onto the Buddhist notions of life
is suffering. And just in the past year or so Ive
started saying, "You know what? Life may have pains
in it. But we are not creatures that are meant to suffer.
Were just not." I mean, I dont think
birds suffer or does that dog look like shes suffering
or anything? You know, shes just happy being a
dog. Im not sure that we are creatures that are
born to suffer and I think we create it. So, Im
trying to work out of this notion that suffering is
somehow a moral signature. You know, Ive really
been a good person because Ive suffered through
it. Well, Im not sure that thats a recommendation.
Thats one of the things thats really been
challenged for me because, I mean, thats very
Christian, especially being raised in the buckle of
the Bible Belt. Alot of people who have suffered and
are very proud of their suffering just want to make
real certain that you participate in their suffering.
They do because theyre so bought into it. I think
part of their rationalization is, "I must be doing
the right thing because Ive been doing it all
day to day
I think anytime that I sort of deliberately exposed
myself to spiritual or psychological or emotional work,
and I do it long enough, I have epiphanies. Even if
its an epiphany about the fact that epiphanies aint
where its at. Its the day-to-day. You know,
I really would like an epiphany right now and its
not happening. So, I guess day-to-day one just puts,
you know, its a sort of a trudging thing. And
as I said, I had an epiphany about that because I really
wanted deep insight and transformation and it was like
the Universe said, "You know, you got everything
you need. What else do you want me to hand to you."
My healing process has had platforms. Theres this
huge painful initiation that one has to go through of
really recognizing that, "Oh, Im either in
crisis," or "I have some issues I need to
deal with." And recognizing first that "Oh,
I really have a problem here," or "I dont
want to be like this anymore," or whatever that
initial stage is of recognition that "Oh, heres
a real problem within myself," or "Heres
a wound, heres a pain that I havent paid
attention to before." And thats a sort of
long process that doesnt happen overnight. And
thats a very painful thing. And part of that is
thinking you can fix it yourself, and then you finally
realize "Well, maybe I need to go talk to someone,
or anyone," whether its a friend, whether
its God, whether its a community, whether
its a therapist, to sort of break through the
in the stuck places
There is a point after six months to a year or so, after
youve wrestled with some of the demons and some
of the issues and recognized your own resources and
worth and value. Then theres like a plateau, where
youre looking behind getting some insight as to
where youve been and what you have. And then you
say, "Okay, where do I go from here?" I tend
to hit plateaus, and then I feel stuck. And I used to
really dislike being stuck. And I know Ive even
gotten to where being stuck is okay. Because theres
things I can do even when Im stuck. So, Ive
learned to have fun, even in the stuck places. Im
learning to have fun again. So, even in stuck places,
its like, thats okay. I wont be stuck
forever. And then you get over that.
So there are plateaus and apart from the real initiation
there is bridging the separateness. The initiation of
"Oh, Ive got a problem," and bridging
the separateness. Reaching out to some other source.
And then the return to yourself and recognition of what
you have and how you can deal with it. And you go on
from the heart
Theres sort of a parallel between spiritual healing
and writing from a place that is productive and whole
and healthy. Writing from the heart that is whole and
healthy. And really opening your voice. Thats
what I want to incorporate in my work. And also teach
people who are in the healing process that writing is
important. Writing, to a great extent, is some sort
of exorcism of all this negativity. You can just write
it all out like crazy. And in the meantime, get caught
up and take yourself to a different place as well. You
get a lot of the poison out of you through writing.